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There is a famous saying that says “I am not afraid of death, it’s the in between that worries me”. All of us realize that we will leave this earth sooner or later because we know it’s only a journey and not a destination. But how could we not cry for our loved ones that are gone before us. What I find especially hard, is a death of a sibling, friend, a cousin, child or a mate. There is no love greater than the love we have for our parents but as much as we love them, it’s expected that chances are they’ll die before us. You often hear that a child is supposed to burry a parent not the other way around though it’s not always the case. Psychologists say that the hardest lost, is a parent losing a child. It’s said that it’s the most unbearable pain for any human being to experience. Siblings are two half’s that complete one another. There are just too many memories to just let go. Playing together, fighting and making fun of each other etc. The best times of our lives are usually when we are children growing up together, no worries or responsibilities, just pure silliness and fun. You have so many dreams you want to accomplish together. You wish that your children will come to know one another so on and so forth. But then you loose a brother or a sister and you simply feel as though there is a part of you missing. (Like a bird with a broken wing). Cousins are the same, especially for Somalis where cousins are like siblings, often times growing up in the same household, sometimes our cousins are closer to us than our siblings. In life, we can’t choose our family members, but we certainly choose our friends. And because of that we choose people whom we have genuine connection with. We became friends with those whom we have much in common and share similar interests with. Friends often trust each other with the deepest secrets that they wouldn’t dare trust with members of their own families. Because family members take each other for granted and it’s easy for one to spill a trusted secret to another family member. Friends are each other’s confidant and trusted ally and there is nothing too embarrassing to share with a true friend. I love my family deeply. It is unconditional love that knows neither boundaries nor barrier, but I don’t know where I would be if Allah did not bless me with some incredible and supportive friends and for that I am forever grateful and humbled. Therefore, each loss of someone so dear in our heart is just as great as any. It’s like when we are in physical pain. “Meeshii lagaa qabtaaba meeshii kale ka daran”. Losing someone you love is a pain too profound to just subside easily. It’s an ache that lingers in the depths of our soul. There is no easy way out, but I truly believe that the best way to mend a broken heart is to dwell in it a little longer. It has been said that only time heals wounds. To feel it as genuinely as you can without being in denial about the fact that yes, bad things happen to everyone. It’s the way of life, the one true thing. But it’s also okay to miss someone you’ve loved and lost. It’s perfectly normal to be haunted by the memories shared through the years. The emptiness we feel when we lose a loved one is something indescribable for certain. I lost my sister 15 years ago this coming November and I still see her smile. I could swear sometimes I hear her laughter and the sound of her voice. And so my eyes tear up. Even though I know crying will never bring her back, it’s a healing comfort. Tears are a healthy way of grieving and it’s natural to shed them; to give ourselves time to mourn for our lost is a healthy thing for us to do. Grieving is normal and we should let one another grief without being sinful or asking why me. I never forgot those that felt my pain and cried with me during my sorrows. I really felt like they felt my pain. It often bothers me when I go to grieving gatherings (Tacsi) in Somali homes where visitors are talking out loud, eating (Hilib iyo Bariis) and even laughing out loud while the people who lost a member of their family cater to their needs, working hard when they should be grieving to satisfy the visitors, ( Shaah madoow mise mid cadays ah Eddo ama Adeer ama walaal) instead of grieving their loss. How rude and embarrassing. It becomes a social gathering where many people who have not seen each other for a while, get together and talk about what has been happening in their lives. I find it to be offensive and unfair to put these people through that hardship when they are already in the course of the hardest thing for a human being to go through. On top of that we Somalis have the audacity to come up and tell these people not to cry. A friend of mine once told me that when she lost her father a lady came to her and told her “Eddo don’t cry for your daddy at least you’ve known him. I didn’t even know my father”. This little girl just lost her dear father whom she adored and idolized, and here comes an insensitive woman who tells her how to feel. He is gone like the wind and she will never have another glimpse of him ever again. But then this woman comes and tells her not to grief for him! My friend said to the lady, how dare you. Who are you to tell me not to cry for my dad? Go away I never want to see your face in my house again. I say she was brave to speak up. We sometimes just say things that make no logical sense what so ever. I lost my father 5 years ago and as usual I was working doing the catering for the visitors when one of my girlfriends came. She was dressed to impress and very sharp. She gave me a hug and she sat down in the living room with the rest of the guests. She started laughing and having fun like this was a chit chat gathering (Qaraabo Salaan) and not a grieving gathering (Tacsi). I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. That was the end of our relationship. I sometimes wonder if the fact that we have been told to suppress our feelings for so long have contributed to our sense of coldness. I also wonder, have all the death and destruction made as solid and heartless stone? Have our emotions become so dried out, that we can no longer feel anything? I wonder have tears become a luxury that left us dry s long time ago. Frederick Nietzsche once said: “If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss also gazes in to you.” I think we may have a problem. The amazing thing is that the only time when we are the most polite is when we have guests. And even in the middle of these horrible tragedies, we still remain gracious. As most Somalis, I had my share of tragedies and I must admit there were times when I wanted to scream out loud and say enough. Stay away and let me just crawl into my bed under the covers and cry my heart out. Every culture has good and bad elements; I think our behavior during (Tacsi) is one of the worst parts of our. I sincerely hope that this bad conduct becomes obsolete in my lifetime. I say Grief and let grief. Fathiya M. Absie Email: farhiaa1@gmail.com? ----------------------- Fathiya is a journalist currently working with Voice of America. ______________________________________________________________________________ We welcome the submission of all articles for possible publication on WardheerNews.com |
