By Hassan M. Abukar
Eight years ago, at a traffic light in a California city, I sensed that someone was staring at me from the next car on the right. When I glanced over, I saw “Firdowsa” (not her real name) smiling and waving at me. I waved back and opened my car window. “Hassan, I am so fortunate! I finally married the right man,” she said in jubilation. “Nin baa igu dhacay” (What a man I have found!), she added. I knew exactly who Firdowsa was talking about. It was “Adan,” also a friend of mine. In fact, I had known Firdowsa and Adan for many years. She was then in her mid-thirties, tall, pretty with an attractive figure, and a vibrant, bubbly personality. Adan was in his late forties, educated, modest, and a social magnet. Before coming to the United States, he had been politically active back home against the Siad Barre regime.
The couple’s marriage was unique. They seemed happy and sincere, and spent a lot of time together. Theirs was either a second or third marriage, depending on whom you asked. After they tied the knot, Adan changed: He dressed better, stopped smoking, and gained needed extra pounds. Firdowsa was the same person, except she never missed an opportunity to brag about her husband. Many members of the community were pleased about their marriage because the couple was very popular.
About three years later, Firdowsa and Adan decided to split. It was shocking news to many of us who knew them and genuinely rooted for them to succeed. That can’t be, many people thought. However, it was true. Indeed, the way the divorce happened was so acrimonious that community members could do nothing but roll their eyes in bewilderment. Firdowsa’s complaints about Adan were so detailed they bordered on the salacious and even the absurd. Somalis normally do not talk about bedroom woes but Firdowsa did. Adan did not defend himself against the serious charges levelled against him but instead went on the offensive. He accused his former wife of being mentally unbalanced.
“She takes medication for her mental illness,” he explained calmly and quite vindictively.
Because of my friendship with the couple, I chose to be neutral during their war of words and said nothing. Secretly though, I was stupefied and had a hard time understanding the reasons for the split. This couple was unique, I thought. They would go out of their way to brag about their supposed happiness. What had gone wrong? In time, the couple moved on and met other people. Adan married twice more, but none of his marriages panned out.
I have always asked myself what makes a good spouse. My biased view is that we men are generally responsible for most divorces. In my humble research of the literature on relationships, I have concluded there are three major ingredients for a successful marriage. The absence of any one of these components is testimony to a flawed marriage. The ingredients of a good marriage are communication, affection, and respect.
Communication: Couples are always communicating to each other, but many are unaware they are. Many spouses frequently complain, “We are no longer communicating,” which usually means the wrong vibes are being exchanged. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal, with the latter comprising 93% of all communication. Body language, such as gestures, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, and hand and feet movements, are true expressions of one’s moods and attitudes.
Positive ways of communicating verbally with your spouse include telling her you love her, appreciate her, and think about her when you are at work and away. There is an anecdote about a wife who reprimanded her husband for not telling her he loved her. The husband protested and said, “Honey, but I told you that last month.” The good mate is one who avoids saying hurtful things or raises his voice. There are some words a man should never utter in anger such as “never” and “always.” For instance, phrases such as “always late” or “never helpful” are likely to make the wife feel both defensive and angry. It is also better to avoid any name calling. As the well-known American talk show host, Dr. Phil, advises, “Make sure your sentences have verbs.”
Non-verbal communication is crucial too because it involves certain body language that can turn off your spouse. One of the biggest complaints many women have about their husbands is that they just don’t listen. Men are often engrossed in reading a newspaper or playing with their cell phones when their wives talk to them. Giving your wife full attention when she talks to you is important because she would not tell you something if it was not important to her. “Before marriage,” the late humorist Helen Rowland once wrote while addressing women, “a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” By listening to your wife, you are giving her what she wants most—a sympathetic ear. She is seeking someone who will listen to her, not a problem solver who is only too quick to dispense advice.
Affection: A good husband is one who demonstrates that he loves his wife through his actions. This aspect is perhaps one of the biggest challenges for many men because it requires self-discipline and commitment. Touching is very important in a relationship because it brings a couple closer and cements their bond. Non-sexual touches such as holding hands, hugging, and back rubbing will tell your spouse you care.
Many marriages become stale because the couples settle for the unchanging routines of their daily lives. Couples who make special time for each other by organizing weekend getaways or taking vacations, strengthen their bond. Courting does not begin and end before marriage; it should be continuous. Furthermore, doing little things for your spouse makes her appreciate you more.
Respect: Respect encompasses several important areas of a marriage. Respect means understanding that your spouse is different to you and has different interests, needs, and ways of doing things. Accepting your spouse for who she is and not trying to change her is a hallmark of respect. Respect means understanding that your wife is as smart as you are, and there is no need to insist she does everything your way. Respect means not being a tyrant, but being a team player who is gentle and kind, a man who consults with his wife, keeps his promises, does not lie or cheat, and apologizes for his mistakes. Respect means sharing responsibilities and becoming an asset at home, not a liability. Respect means when you are home, you are there both physically and mentally. You do not bring your work woes home nor make home a place for your sole entertainment. Many men, when at home, just watch sports on TV and never bother to acknowledge their wives or children.
What follows this introduction is a ten-part series that addresses courtship, marriage, and the Somali experience in the United States. These articles are neither an indictment of Somalis nor a generalization of the Somali community. They are true stories reflecting only the characters involved in them.
Hassan M. Abukar
Email:[email protected]
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Hassan M. Abukar is a freelance writer and political analyst
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